I mean, there’s something wrong with everyone and I’m not disregarding that but this is more on a relationship level. For a while now, I’ve wondered if I’m not fit to settle down or to be with anyone for that matter. My heart has grown cold and I’m pushing everyone away that would want to keep me in their lives. I’m on this emotional roller coaster and it’s been my 5th trip around. I keep reaching that hill thinking it’s going to be different when I know it’s not. What I should do is get off and ride another one; or simply leave the park altogether.
Not only that, I’m attracting the wrong kind of men I want in my life. I’m attracting men who come with more baggage than I have and I have a lot of baggage. The men I’m attracting make me feel like I’m much smarter than them based on how they talk to me and how they process things. Usually, I’m not the brightest crayon in the box but, if I’m telling you things that as a man that you should know or every time I talk to you, I’m educating you on subjects you should have learned in grade school then that’s bad.
I’m not stuck-up in the slightest. I don’t stick my nose up at anyone; I don’t have the room to. It’s just, be a little smart, that’s all I’m asking. I don’t want to hold their hand and have to spell everything out to them.
I’m an independent woman who takes care of her son and support him the best way I can. When I love, I love with all of my heart; and hard. When my heart is broken, I’ll hate you forever and cut contact with you faster than you can say, “I’m sorry”. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass and I’m not a fan of biting my tongue, either. In circumstances, I’m very shy and that’s probably due to my limited contact with a lot of people. I’m an introvert, a loner. I don’t like a lot of attention on me and I don’t like being put in a spotlight. I cook, clean, and everything else a woman is supposed to do. I don’t half-ass anything (unless it’s math school work – not going to lie), why do it at all if it’s only going to be done half-way? Even though I’m not a fan of romantic movies – they make me uncomfortable – I like romantic gestures. I’m not used to them so, it’s a new experience for me, as well as a lot of other things. I’m in love with building and fixing computers, it’s not just a hobby, it’s my passion. I game on occasion. It’s getting less and less due to being a single-mother and all but hey, I’ve been dealt these cards and I’m going to play them. I love reading and I usually escape to a different world when I’m reading. A good book and peace and quiet and I’m content. So, what’s wrong with me?
I’ve asked so many questions a million times over to the people who so-called loved me and wanted to be with me but “couldn’t”:
Is it my new haircut? is it my age? Is it because I’m an atheist? Do you feel ashamed to know someone like me? Is it my pregnancy belly that I’m working on getting rid of? Is it that I have a child? If so, what the hell is wrong with you? Is it due to my divorce? Is it my height, my weight, or my scars and stretch marks? I’m clumsy, so what? Is it my personality, my characteristics? I can be a bitch at times but most people would be, dealing with the things I have to deal with living in the apartment building I stay in; as well as few other problems I’m going through. Is it because I’m not driving and have to learn how to drive? I’m still working on that, one thing at a time – I keep telling myself that. Yea, I’m insecure about certain things about me but I’m working on those things to help with my low self-esteem. Is that it? Are my bags too heavy for you to handle? Is it me, or is it you?
The very last question is usually the only one that’s answered because it’s easier for them. That’s okay, running from their feelings will only leave them miserable. Men have told me that they don’t want to be with me because they don’t want to ruin the friendship that we had (So, when you’re pursuing someone, do they stay strangers and you slip them a note the next time you see them, asking them would they like to be your girlfriend and then you get to know them? Excuse my language but getthefuckouttahere). When in actuality, they were pursuing someone else and wanted to spare my feelings. Listen, I’m a big girl, you don’t have to spare my feelings. Stop being a coward. How can you call me your friend and then lie in my damn face like some idiot on the street? It’s when you lie to me and I find out is when I wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. You also don’t have to keep from being in a relationship with me because of reasons you think are good to not be with someone. Unless you’re going to die in the next coming days or you got some disease that I can catch and then I’m in the same boat as you then stay away from me. If not, shut up, you sound stupid and if you think 2+2 = 22 in your head and 4 in mine, it’s you you’re fooling, not me.
If people can be faithful in long-distance relationships, then what the hell is your problem? When you come across someone who loves you, want to make you happy and see you happy, understand the situations and obstructions that often times make a strain on the relationship, where they’d be happy with a text or a phone call; willing to wait on you, you’re supposed to scoop them up right away and don’t let them get away. That’s just my opinion, though. Hell, that’s who I am.
I know how to sacrifice and compromise, so don’t look at me like I’m incapable of understanding what you’re going through. It’s frustrating to have someone’s thoughts, and emotions assumed and criticized before they happen.
I don’t think I’ll ever get married again, unless someone come along and I fall head over heels with them and everything is lined up or they don’t make excuses or make decisions for me and just be with me, then yea, maybe I’ll do it again. I don’t think that’ll ever happen anytime soon because I think something is wrong with me.
I think people can see all the baggage I carry on my face and they steer clear. I think it’s that and the fact that one look at my frown and your sunny day becomes a sad and gloomy day with a chance of rain; precipitation 90%.
For a while I’ve been satisfied and content with being single, well no longer. I’ve looked but maybe I should stop and let the chips fall where they may.