Another Restless Night…

Yep, it’s 1:45AM, my son just went down again for the second time tonight and I can’t seem to calm my mind down enough to go to sleep. I tried reading from my Kindle, but this time it didn’t work. I finished my school work early today so I was left wondering what I should do next: go to sleep or watch a movie? Neither seemed appealing so I chose the most logical option; sleep.

Even sleeping is considered a lost interest these days. I feel as if I need energy to go to sleep; or at least be interested.

At this point in my life, I don’t really have an interest in anything. I think I’m simply in-love with the idea of depression without even knowing it. I’m trying to get out of this slump, but nothing is working. I’m tired of being tired all the time. A 5-minute task shouldn’t take me all day to do. It’s like the world around me is draining me of the little energy I have left. I’m taking vitamins, changed my diet, I drink 7 8 ounce glasses of water a day – something I neglected to do before. I thought weaning off Cymbalta would do more for my mood but I guess one of the side-effects of withdrawal is loss of energy. Not only that, I’m moody, irritable, and frustrated most of the time.

I don’t even know the point to this post is, anymore. I don’t care. My life is just so ‘blah’ right now. I feel crying would be a step up from how I’ve felt, lately.

Early last month, I felt like I was getting things in life accomplished, now I feel like I’ve taken 2 steps back.

I look at how I was full of life, full of energy years ago and I’m thinking, “How did I have all of that energy back then?” I would really to have that energy now.

I’m so not interested in finishing this, I’ll finish it later…maybe.

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Who Needs Enemies…

When you have a family like mine?

Yep, it’s 2:00am, I’m up, can’t sleep because I have some things to get off of my chest. I’ve been thinking about blogging out the past week events for a minute, now. It’s eating away at me and this is my only means of airing it out.

Anyway, due to some issues with Winton Manor – the building I stayed in, I had to move out and move back in for the – millionth time – with my grandmother. I, of all people never wanted to ever live inside of this shit-hole again, but here I am. Putting out job applications left and right, looking for another potential place to stay and whatnot. In the meantime, I have to deal with my grandmother’s bullshit. Now, don’t get on the offensive, she can be a bitch and here’s why.

She discussed my “level of respect” for myself with her sister, and they came to the conclusion that I was a whore/slut/tramp, or whatever. This is the furthest from the truth but you can’t tell this woman who, she thinks is right even when she’s proven wrong. The reason they thought this is due to the amount of people that came over to see me. One was actually my boyfriend (that’s no longer the case), one was my son’s father, and the third one was a good friend who I’ve known for almost 9 years who missed me and my son dearly. Because of these three people who loved me and my son, I’m no longer permitted to have company and my son father has to come and get his son if he wants to see and spend time with him. Trust me, I’m not leaving anything out. That was her excuse. She assumed that I screw everything that walked in the door.

Instead of asking me, her and her sister took it upon themselves to have tribal council and kick me off social life island. You know, that’s great and all but its ridiculous. Cut me some fucking slack, lady. I’m in school – I graduate in two months, I’m a single mother, I’m looking for work, no one is offering to babysit my son so I can have 10 minutes to myself in the bathroom – let alone go out and have some time to myself, I’m broke and can’t travel. The least she could have done was put herself in my shoes but that’s too much like right because she’s too focused on being right and me being wrong.

It’s like I’m 18-years-old, again and I’m limited to riding my bike up and down the street like I’m 13 (yes, that really happened). I asked this old coot who was having a problem with me having company over and she simply said, “your Aunt mentioned something about Ced (the friend I’ve known for almost 9 years).” Guess what? SHE DOESN’T FUCKING LIVE HERE! Then, I find out, this very same Aunt was giving Ced ugly looks that could kill the living dead when he was carrying Adam. My family is filled with spiteful, delusional bitches and once I move out of here, it’s going to be for good.

How can someone intervene in my social life, or how I raise my son but no one intervened when I was being molested all those years ago? Where was the concern, then?

My War With Cymbalta: The Tedious Beed Weaning Process

Bead weaning? What is that?

I’ll get to that in a minute, but for now, I will like to give a little back story on my Cymbalta experience. It all started in 2011 when my depression took a turn for the worse due to a string of events that left me pregnant and technically homeless. I was 7-months pregnant with my son and a wreck. Me and his father got into an argument and I ended up having to be with my mother-in-law sooner than later. Anyway, I expressed how I was feeling at my next check-up and she prescribed me Zoloft anti-depressant that I refused to take because I was pregnant. At that time, I was seeing a therapist, too for my depression and she suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I decided that was a good idea and went through with seeing Dr. James 4-months later.

Adam Jr. was born and 4-months later I was in my new apartment with my husband. I decided that this would be a good time to make an appointment to see Dr. James, I did and two weeks later I was prescribed 30mg Cymbalta. I didn’t feel any change in mood after a month so he prescribed me 60mg Cymbalta and I’ve been on it ever since. Now, it’s 2013 and I’m wishing I never started taking Cymbalta in the first place. It’s like I’m not taking anything for my depression. I don’t feel anything but the effects of when I miss a day. I used to be able to go 2-3 days without any side-effects, but since I’ve started weaning I can’t go a full 24-hours without feeling the consequences of not taking the pill.

My first idea to stop taking the Cymbalta was stop cold-turkey, that didn’t work too well. I was nauseated, I had headaches, I was dizzy, had frequent ‘brain-zaps‘ and I loss my appetite. So, I started taking it again, which took two (that’s 120mg) pills for the side-effects to go away. So, I did a little researching and came across a forum that was telling me an easier way to withdraw from Cymbalta, and that’s by bead weaning (or bead counting); well, that’s what I call it.

By bead counting, I mean that I open the capsules and take so many out at once. Here is a general idea of what I’ve done so far:



	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Week 1	Remove 20 beads	Remove 21 beads	Remove 22 beads	Remove 23 beads	Remove 24 beads	Remove 25 beads	Remove 26 beads
Week 2	Remove 27 beads	Remove 28 beads	Remove 29 beads	Remove 30 beads	Remove 31 beads	Remove 32 beads	Remove 33 beads
Week 3	Remove 34 beads	Remove 35 beads	Remove 36 beads	Remove 37 beads	Remove 38 beads	Remove 39 beads	Remove 40 beads
Week 4	Remove 41 beads	Remove 42 beads	Remove 43 beads	Remove 44 beads	Remove 45 beads	Remove 46 beads	Remove 47 beads

I realized that this was progress but was the wrong way. I wasn’t giving my body time enough to cope with the changes. So instead I decided to go a week with the same amount of beads and when that Sunday came, to remove five beads. It takes time, it’s tedious but, it’s better than being a slave to Cymbalta for another 2 years.

	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Week 1	Remove 50 beads	Remove 50 beads	Remove 50 beads	Remove 50 beads	Remove 50 beads	Remove 50 beads	Remove 50 beads
Week 2	Remove 55 beads	Remove 55 beads	Remove 55 beads	Remove 55 beads	Remove 55 beads	Remove 55 beads	Remove 55 beads
Week 3	Remove 60 beads	Remove 60 beads	Remove 60 beads	Remove 60 beads	Remove 60 beads	Remove 60 beads	Remove 60 beads
Week 4	Remove 65 beads	Remove 65 beads	Remove 65 beads	Remove 65 beads	Remove 65 beads	Remove 65 beads	Remove 65 beads

My plan is to continue with this regimen until I start feeling symptoms. When that happen, I will add 5 back into the capsules instead of removing that 5 and stick with that until my body gets used to it. Then, I’ll start with the bead counting once more and start the process up, again. Hopefully, I can make down to 80 or so beads left in the capsule before I start feeling symptoms.

 It is very important to note that even though Cymbalta is exclusively patented by Eli Lilly in the US, that does not mean that all Cymbalta capsules are all manufactured at the same site. There are 6 stated manufacturing sites in the US and several others globally. What this means for us is that the pellet/bead count does vary in size and content. Many of us have found the pellet/bead counts mentioned elsewhere in this site listed/offered as a standard we all should use. That is not true!! Depending on where you get your prescription, what part of the country you live in, etc… the bead/pellet count can vary a bit. For example, I get my Rx from Costco the pharmacist told me the Cymbalta I get is manufactured at the plant closest to where I live. Therefore, the beads/pellets are bigger in size and there are (for me) an average of 195-218 pellets/beads per 60 mg. capsule. I have taken the time to count several as they did not match the charts/counts others have stated as the standard to use. Per Eli Lilly standards, there should be 67.3 mg of duloxetine HCI in each 60 mg. capsule. If you truly want to be accurate, I strongly recommend you buy a digital scale that measures milligrams, and has a low margin of error(mine is to 0.01g). You can buy on the internet or in stores a very exact digital scale to weigh the pellets/beads to make very accurate tapering capsules.

Taking Cymbalta has done nothing but drain my energy. I’m always tired, always losing interest in things I used to love. It takes so much for me to get my day started, that on most days, it never does.
Cymbalta Withdrawal Forums

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Charles Ramsey Saves 3 Women and A Child; WKYC – Channel 3 (& Whomever This Applies To) Throws Him Under The Bus

In less than 2 days, the media has already managed to discredit this man.

I don’t think throwing him under the bus is the right idiomatic phrase that I should use, but it’s for lack of a better one. Charles Ramsey saves the lives of 3 women and a 6-year-old girl and WEWS News Channel 5 brings up a police report? They got a lot of backlash from people on their Facebook page, and since then the post has been taken down. The link they provided to the article has been since taken down, also. I did a search for it on their website and couldn’t find it. They knew that was in bad taste.

I’m from Cleveland, I live here and I’ve followed this story very closely. The last thing I was thinking of was Charles Ramsey’s criminal record. He’s a hero! To bring up his past shows how desperate and how low reporters can get. This was unprofessional and uncalled for. I’m glad they took it down after the 40-45 minutes it was up, but it never should have never went up in the first place. The domestic violence and jail time happened 10 years ago, so what does it matter, now?

I just wanted to express my distaste of it all. Let this be a lesson for them.

Update: I guess the shame needs to be distributed to more than just WEWS…

To answer the question: No it does not matter! He didn’t beat the women that were removed from the home, he saved them! He did the right thing and now that his past is going to be judge and jury, I think it’s unfair. No one is perfect and the ones pointing fingers, probably have a few skeletons in their closets.

the greatest compliments a person can give you is to talk about what you did in the past. If the only thing you can find on this guy is something he did in 2003, then you are sad! Who knows what changes could have occurred in his life over the last 10 years. He saved them and refused the reward money, so we have to find a way to punish him in print. Ten years ago this man did something horrible, did his time, took classes and started working on him. Regardless of his past mistakes, he saved three women from a life of hell.

No good deed definitely goes unpunished.

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• Cleveland Hero Was A Repeat Domestic Abuser

 

I’m Starting To Think Something Is Wrong With Me…

I mean, there’s something wrong with everyone and I’m not disregarding that but this is more on a relationship level. For a while now, I’ve wondered if I’m not fit to settle down or to be with anyone for that matter. My heart has grown cold and I’m pushing everyone away that would want to keep me in their lives. I’m on this emotional roller coaster and it’s been my 5th trip around. I keep reaching that hill thinking it’s going to be different when I know it’s not. What I should do is get off and ride another one; or simply leave the park altogether.

Not only that, I’m attracting the wrong kind of men I want in my life. I’m attracting men who come with more baggage than I have and I have a lot of baggage. The men I’m attracting make me feel like I’m much smarter than them based on how they talk to me and how they process things. Usually, I’m not the brightest crayon in the box but, if I’m telling you things that as a man that you should know or every time I talk to you, I’m educating you on subjects you should have learned in grade school then that’s bad.

I’m not stuck-up in the slightest. I don’t stick my nose up at anyone; I don’t have the room to. It’s just, be a little smart, that’s all I’m asking. I don’t want to hold their hand and have to spell everything out to them.

I’m an independent woman who takes care of her son and support him the best way I can. When I love, I love with all of my heart; and hard. When my heart is broken, I’ll hate you forever and cut contact with you faster than you can say, “I’m sorry”. I don’t kiss anyone’s ass and I’m not a fan of biting my tongue, either. In circumstances, I’m very shy and that’s probably due to my limited contact with a lot of people. I’m an introvert, a loner. I don’t like a lot of attention on me and I don’t like being put in a spotlight. I cook, clean, and everything else a woman is supposed to do. I don’t half-ass anything (unless it’s math school work – not going to lie), why do it at all if it’s only going to be done half-way? Even though I’m not a fan of romantic movies – they make me uncomfortable – I like romantic gestures. I’m not used to them so, it’s a new experience for me, as well as a lot of other things. I’m in love with building and fixing computers, it’s not just a hobby, it’s my passion. I game on occasion. It’s getting less and less due to being a single-mother and all but hey, I’ve been dealt these cards and I’m going to play them. I love reading and I usually escape to a different world when I’m reading. A good book and peace and quiet and I’m content. So, what’s wrong with me?

I’ve asked so many questions a million times over to the people who so-called loved me and wanted to be with me but “couldn’t”:

Is it my new haircut? is it my age? Is it because I’m an atheist? Do you feel ashamed to know someone like me? Is it my pregnancy belly that I’m working on getting rid of? Is it that I have a child? If so, what the hell is wrong with you? Is it due to my divorce? Is it my height, my weight, or my scars and stretch marks? I’m clumsy, so what? Is it my personality, my characteristics? I can be a bitch at times but most people would be, dealing with the things I have to deal with living in the apartment building I stay in; as well as few other problems I’m going through. Is it because I’m not driving and have to learn how to drive? I’m still working on that, one thing at a time – I keep telling myself that. Yea, I’m insecure about certain things about me but I’m working on those things to help with my low self-esteem. Is that it? Are my bags too heavy for you to handle? Is it me, or is it you?

The very last question is usually the only one that’s answered because it’s easier for them. That’s okay, running from their feelings will only leave them miserable. Men have told me that they don’t want to be with me because they don’t want to ruin the friendship that we had (So, when you’re pursuing someone, do they stay strangers and you slip them a note the next time you see them, asking them would they like to be your girlfriend and then you get to know them? Excuse my language but getthefuckouttahere). When in actuality, they were pursuing someone else and wanted to spare my feelings. Listen, I’m a big girl, you don’t have to spare my feelings. Stop being a coward. How can you call me your friend and then lie in my damn face like some idiot on the street? It’s when you lie to me and I find out is when I wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. You also don’t have to keep from being in a relationship with me because of reasons you think are good to not be with someone. Unless you’re going to die in the next coming days or you got some disease that I can catch and then I’m in the same boat as you then stay away from me. If not, shut up, you sound stupid and if you think 2+2 = 22 in your head and 4 in mine, it’s you you’re fooling, not me.

If people can be faithful in long-distance relationships, then what the hell is your problem? When you come across someone who loves you, want to make you happy and see you happy, understand the situations and obstructions that often times make a strain on the relationship, where they’d be happy with a text or a phone call; willing to wait on you, you’re supposed to scoop them up right away and don’t let them get away. That’s just my opinion, though. Hell, that’s who I am.

I know how to sacrifice and compromise, so don’t look at me like I’m incapable of understanding what you’re going through. It’s frustrating to have someone’s thoughts, and emotions assumed and criticized before they happen.

I don’t think I’ll ever get married again, unless someone come along and I fall head over heels with them and everything is lined up or they don’t make excuses or make decisions for me and just be with me, then yea, maybe I’ll do it again. I don’t think that’ll ever happen anytime soon because I think something is wrong with me.

I think people can see all the baggage I carry on my face and they steer clear. I think it’s that and the fact that one look at my frown and your sunny day becomes a sad and gloomy day with a chance of rain; precipitation 90%.

For a while I’ve been satisfied and content with being single, well no longer. I’ve looked but maybe I should stop and let the chips fall where they may.

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It’s Been A Minute…

I cut my hair in early January. I cut it because of stress. Stress was making it fall out and I was getting sick of not having control over anything in my life. When my ex finally decided to cut it, I was happy and felt like I had a control of things. I cut it pretty close. It’s grown a lot since then but it still has a long way to go. The back is still much shorter than the top and the sides; it’s annoying. I figure the reason why it’s short in the back and growing nicely everywhere else is because of how I sleep and my diet. I’m probably lacking in a few vitamins here or there. We’ll see.

Date: Jan 13th, 2013

Anyway, moving on…

I finally filed for a divorce last month, too. It took a couple of days to get everything together, but once everything was filed, I felt better. Now all I have to do is wait on the hearing and go from there. New year, new me, that’s my slogan for 2013. Especially since I’ve decided to get a hold of my body weight. I need to get on a diet plan and start working out. I searched the internet for exercises for women who still have their, ‘baby belly’ or ‘pregnancy belly’ and came up with nada so, I did a different search. I found Pilates videos on YouTube for beginners and I’m going to start on those as soon as I get a check-up first. I don’t want to start something and I’m not fit to do it.

Back in December, I met someone and he’s been in my life ever since. I just finished talking to him and I’m starting to believe he’s nuts. I don’t know what I did but from his actions and the words he use to express his feelings for me: he’s head over heels, in-love with me. Today, he told me that he was going to get my name tattooed on him and I told him that he was nuts. We aren’t together – we’re only friends – I’m not ready for a relationship with him or anyone right now. My heart is especially not ready. After this past couple of weeks, or so, I don’t even want to think about relationships now. Anyway, this guy is truly genuine about everything. He’s kept it real with me and he’s an honest guy and everything but, I feel as if he could find someone better. I’m a pile of dirty laundry – leftovers, if you will. I’m not even attracted to this guy and he knows this. He’s fun to be around and apparently I’m very funny because he laughs at all of my jokes. He swears up and down that I’m “the one” for him. I beg to differ.

I had my eyes on someone else but he played me like a PS3 and I felt as if I deserved it. That was then, though. Now, I’m saying,  fuck him, he wasn’t worth the roller-coaster ride he did on my heart. It doesn’t take me long to get back up and not be bothered with those kind of emotions for a while.

Adam Jr turned 20-months on Valentines day. My sweetie is getting bigger and better everyday! I love him so much. My great-Aunt got him this huge teddy bear and a heart-shaped box filled with chocolate. He loves his teddy bear and it’s obvious that his great-Aunt loves him. When he becomes a month older, it’s always a special time for us. I really appreciate having my son in my life and I don’t take him for granted because in a blink of an eye, he can be taken from me and I’d be mortified.

Adam Jr’s V-Day gift

Well, I guess that’s it for the update. Not too much excitement happens in my life and that’s probably my fault. Then again, that’s how I like it. Not a fan of doing too much fun stuff, not when there’s business to be taken care of.

-Lee

“We Cannot Blame the White People Any Longer!”

“They’re standing on the corner and they can’t speak English.
I can’t even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain’t,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be…
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we’ve got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won’t spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn’t that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn’t that a sign of something?
Isn’t it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a thing about Africa …..
I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.
I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don’t have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ……… And all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person’s problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different ‘husbands’ — or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can’t write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
We cannot blame the white people any longer.”

Dr. William Henry ‘Bill’ Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.