25 Things I'd Rather Do Than Listen to Nicki Minaj

You know what sparked my outrage on this woman? Her latest video: ‘Stupid Hoe’.

1. Have a pitocin induced vaginal delivery without an epidural. That’s a bit extreme yes but it’s better than listening to someone who sounds like they suffer from a multiple personality disorder. If cookie monster had a girlfriend, she would be the voice behind the puppet.
2. Have my period for the rest of my life with chronic menstrual cramps. Let’s just say the Hype Williams curse is still in full swing and shows no signs of stopping. First Xtina and now this mess.
3. Watch a video documentary on Justin Bieber. Spewing pop culture references in rapid, staccato fashion, backed by chimp-simple electronic beats and swearing is not singing, music, or talent. Is the public that starved for entertainment?
4. Play Vampire Rain a million times over, and then proceed to play Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. Her niche is being a freak show, and the brainless flash mobs eat it up like fried chicken and waffles.
5. Pass 10 to 15 kidney stones. Someone press the reset button on this woman. Who in their right minds decided that she was worthy of a Grammy? Award shows are over-rated to begin with but what’s wrong with you people?
6. Watch a SyFy monster movie marathon. It’s like feeding a stray cat, once you do they never go away. This applies to people who listens to her music and have the audacity to say she’s a god. I wish Hercules would come rip me in two.
7. Listen to a Rebecca Black and Nyan Cat mash-up. I don’t get Nicky Minaj period. Does she even write the drivel that she sings herself, or are her ‘talents’ strictly limited to chanting nonsense and dressing like a slattern?
8. Vacation to Cambodia. This woman is in her 30′s she’s too damn old to be making diss tracks about someone who was before her time. If this is her way of trying to get her album to sale, she’s doing a poor job.
9. Be force-fed snail slime while being forced to watch M. Night Shyamalan‘s rendition of  Avatar: The Last Airbender. The sophomoric insults are getting really old. Does this really qualify for lyricism these days?
10. Watch two absurdly large women jump up and down on a trampoline while eating Twinkies. I have to say the first time I watched the ‘Stupid Hoe’ video it was very difficult for me to get through, and then I just didn’t have any words. Seeing it a second time on mute out of courtesy for my brain cells I’ve come to a not-so-shocking conclusion: she’s an idiot.
11. Find hay in a needle stack. After 60 seconds of watching this video, it becomes redundant and makes me not want to live on this planet anymore.
12. Have a Vuvuzela Quartet follow me around; even to the bathroom. From what I’m understanding, her fans find her to be fun and original. I find her to be an item used to torture hostages.
13. Eat my own hair follicles. Her style and rapping is ridiculous and so is her thirsty obsession with Lil Kim.
14. Skip my face across molten lava. Yo Gotti compared her to Lauren Hill. Someone kill me now.
15. You know those bathroom pictures women make with their faces distorted to look like a fish out of water? Yea, I’d rather look like that for the rest of my life.  She has all the misguided teens and women believing that they’re a Barbie. I’m all for idolizing your idols but that’s borderline brainwashing.
16. Read ‘The Sound And The Fury’.  Her real name is ‘Onika Tanya Maraj’ and it shocks me that her “fans” doesn’t know this.
17. Go to a Cleveland Cavaliers game wearing a Lebron James Miami Heat jersey; although wearing his old Cavaliers jersey may have the same outcome. “When I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly,” she says. “The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot… and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing,”  Remember when I said she was smart with a good head on her shoulders and that she could be a good influence to the youth? Yea, me neither.
18. Have a sit down interview with the Kartrashians (Kardashians) about their book ‘Dollhouse’. It’s not just ‘Stupid Hoe’ that needs to go back to the drawing board. Her version of ‘Bedrock’ needs to as well. That song alone may be the worst song in rap history — the song already sucked her version made it worse.
19. Become a Pokemon Master. She claims she’s bisexual just so her albums can sell. Lowest of the low.
20. Host a party and have Renaldo Lapuz sing ‘I am Your Brother’ the entire time. Her music may sell on iTunes, she may get awards but it’s not because she’s good. It’s because people don’t have standards these days and with that, you have a catastrophe.
21. Attempt to have an in-depth conversation with Gucci Mane about habitat for humanity. What does her being rich have to do with anything? Ever think maybe that’s why her music sucks and why people who actually use all five of their senses wish they couldn’t like most of her fans don’t? I didn’t know being rich automatically defined character.
22. Walk on a mound of Lego’s. People get mad at the truth and are so quick to call you a hater — she sucks. It’s my opinion so build a bridge and get over it.
23. Super glue myself to Rosie O’Donell’s backside. Don’t worry, this didn’t take long to type up. I didn’t lose any sleep over this blog and after I click Publish, I’ll probably forget I even blogged about her until one of the usual imbeciles come along and drag ‘hater’ and ‘bitch’ through the mud like nobody’s business.
24. Kiss Lil’ Wayne in the mouth. Does it matter who outsells who? Please don’t set them up just for me to knock them down. Banana’s outsell Apples, beef stroganoff outsells Swedish meatballs. Big whoop. That doesn’t make who outsells who good.
25. Have Drake’s eyebrows. I’m starting to see who the real ‘Stupid Hoe’ is in the video.

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