They say weddings last longer when you get straight to the point and cut out the wedding, the honeymoon etc. Well I’m starting to doubt that theory. There was no picking out a dress, no picking out colors, I don’t even have a ring. I skipped the entire “engagement” phase entirely. I simply signed the papers and that was it. I didn’t even get proposed to. I didn’t realize how much this affected me until I was reading about different and creative ways people get proposed to. That part of my life I didn’t get to experience and it feels like I missed out on it. I seriously want a do over and at the same time I don’t.
No way am I saying that a wedding makes a marriage but it never hurts to celebrate being with the person you love right?
People say getting the money and finding time to plan for a wedding and getting the bridesmaids and things like that are stressful and a waste of time. I didn’t even get to experience first-hand AT ALL what it would even feel like to go through that to make my definition of what stressful is when it came to planning for a wedding.
I feel like the only reason why I got married was because of my son and that both parents needed to be together for his sake. What if they don’t love each other any more? What then? Are they supposed to suffer for their son’s sake? Are two miserable people supposed to stay together because they want their son to grow up and take after the good examples his parents taught him? The answer is no.
I feel like this marriage was rushed, wasn’t thought out and I feel like I missed out probably a once in a lifetime feeling and that’s a wedding. Every woman wants to have a wedding, to wear a dress and go down the aisle; atheist or not. Weddings are no longer “sacred” and the way I handled my marriage, I’m starting to go back to what I originally thought:
GETTING MARRIED IS A WASTE OF MONEY, PAPER AND INK! What’s the difference between being married and just being together besides some legalized paper and a signature? Absolutely nothing. I could be lashing out at the idea of being married because I missed out on having a wedding but at this point, I feel like that would have really felt like I was getting married. My son is almost a year old and I still don’t have a ring. It just doesn’t feel official. I feel like this wedding was arraigned on my sons behalf.
This is not how I pictured how it would be when I got married. When I was child I thought about my dream wedding and my big poofy dress. I pictured my prince charming at the other end of the aisle smiling from ear to ear ready for me to be his wife. Boy was I wrong. I got my vows wed to me and that was it. My son being so close to his due date may have something to do with that but the wedding could have waited until I had him. I honestly don’t believe there was a rush to get married and now I regret ever getting married.
I was so down about this particular situation today, I couldn’t even do my school work. I just sat at my desk, staring at my discussion questions I was supposed to do for 10 minutes before I came to. 7 months into this marriage and it still doesn’t feel like I’m married. To say a wedding, rings and all that other stuff doesn’t matter is a damn lie and I refuse to believe otherwise. This is my first marriage and if it don’t work out, I’m done. This will be my last. The whole way it went about and what happened before I got married and what I went through emotionally with my husband, I’m totally turned off from being married. If I get divorced, I won’t be surprised if I start crying — not because of the concept of divorce but because I should have gotten a dress, a bouquet and my family smiling at me in the pews. I feel robbed. The way I feel about this whole thing may be wrong or off but that’s from someone on the outside looking in. You can’t possibly understand how I feel about all of this.
My grandmother was so ecstatic to hear that I was getting married. She immediately called up my Aunt Barbara. She was going to get my flowers and everything for me. I was happy, for once. I was going to pick out a dress and pick out my matron of honor but I didn’t get to do any of that. I feel robbed of that. Especially after the year I had. I got pregnant a couple of months after I lost my aunt and uncle. My grandmother lost her sister and son. I had to go to two funerals that year. I end up losing my play cousin at the beginning of 2011. Then I get a call from the doctor saying that my son could have down syndrome. It seems like my world was just crumbling apart and for that I ended up hating myself, my mom and taking it out on people that didn’t deserve it. I went through some emotional battles those two years and if I didn’t get pregnant, it was guaranteed I was going to kill myself and not give a damn about anyone crying.
I didn’t get a “Happy Valentines Day” or a “Happy Mother’s Day” last year. It’s crazy I remember that — well not really, when all you have is bad shit happening in your life, it’s not hard to remember the bad things that happen. For once in my life, can I feel appreciated? Can I feel happy? Can I feel special? I was deprived of love and attention as a child and it looks like it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. All I want is a little, not a lot. My family took me for granted so many times. Always wanting me to come to their aid, wanting me to help them but I never gotten so much as a damn thank you. Now that I’m 24 they’re trying to make it up to me for that and letting my brother molest me. I’m mentally battling so many things these days, it’s a wonder why I down all my Trazadone and just pray that I took enough to end my life.
One day my chance to feel happy and appreciated will eventually come, I’ll be getting buried or being put in an urn.