This letter to you is long over due…if you were a person, I would shake the shit out of you. I would ask you so many questions that I will never get the answers to. The first one would be the recent turn of events. What was the point in bringing this person into my life, allow me to be happy for 10 fucking minutes and then take him away? What was the point in that? Am I not supposed to be happy? What kind of life are you? What kind of life is this to live? I take one step forward and all it takes is for the wind to blow for you to push me 20 steps back! I have this deep burning ball of anger in the pit of my heart. I’ve been very angry for a very long time. No amount of happy pills can get rid of it. They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I don’t feel strong at all, far from it. I’m weak at the knees and all it’s going to take is one push for me to fall over.
There were so many times where I wanted to cut you short; to just end it. I hate you, you make me sick. I’m sick of being in the dark, all the time. I get one chance to adjust my eyes to the light and what do you do? You push me back into the darkness. Every other day I contemplate doing the unthinkable, ending you once and for all. I then look at the one and only reason why I shouldn’t do it.
After this last stunt you pulled, you know the one. The one where I’m alone yet again. It’s cool, keep him. Send him off to California indefinitely, I know that’s in your plan. So go right the fuck ahead. I’ll be alright. I’m convinced that Asilee isn’t supposed to be happy, to experience true love, to experience a break from the bullshit you put her through. If you want her to continue to cry herself to sleep at night okay, cool. Even though her pillow just dried up, I guess it won’t hurt to shed more tears.
I’m getting sick of feeling sorry for myself, you know. I’m tired of having people tell me that you are the way you are based on the choices I make and only I can change which way you go. It’s bullshit, I’m now convinced. No matter what I do, say or feel, you’re going to be a bitch. What, is it because I’m an atheist or some shit? Did I break some fucking mirror somewhere? Is it that bitch Karma people keep telling me about? None of which I believe in. I know FOR A FACT it’s not because of some invisible negative force that emits from my negative thoughts and my cold heart that’s keeping me in a downward spiral of pure anger and hatred! So, what is it? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! You’ve made it crystal clear that love doesn’t love me!
Life, what else are you going to do to me, huh? I’m already low as I can go. You put all the wrong people in my life, throw my mistakes back in my face, and it’s never a one time deal. What was the point in bringing CJ back around, huh? To keep reminding myself of the huge fucking colossal mistake I made letting him slip through my fingers because I didn’t know how to speak up? Are you mocking me? What sole purpose is it of you to rub my past in my face? You brought him back just so I can hate him all over again. Now, I wish I never met him! What am I going to get out of CJ hanging around? This time, I’ve tried pushing him away and he won’t fucking budge! He has his own life and child to deal with, why the fuck does he need to be in mine? I don’t want him there! I don’t want him nowhere near you!
What message am I not getting? What am I not doing right? From the look of things, I’m doing everything wrong. Which I don’t give two fat fucks about. What’s your motive? Do I even fucking care?! Nah, I don’t think so. Are you going to get in the way of me leaving Ohio, too? Am I going to be stuck here in this cesspool of a state for the rest of my life? I’ll be damned if that happen. You’re not getting in the way of me getting away from here. If you’re going to keep me miserable, allow me to leave the hell away from here, first.
Can you do that? Can you allow me to have this one fucking thing before you rear your ugly fucking head?!
I’m sitting here trying to figure out when was the last time you allowed me to be happy and worry-free and guess what? i got nothing. It’s pathetic! No matter what hurdle I struggle to jump over, no matter how much effort I put into what I do, no matter how many attempts at trying to look at “the brighter side to things” what do you do? You fuck me over! It’s not even about comparing you to someone else’s life. It’s definitely not about me being grateful that it’s not worse like someone else’s is right now. I can’t worry about their life, it does nothing for me except depress the shit out of me.
Seriously, fuck you. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I’m tired of being in pain all the time. I’m tired of you! I only have one of you and I wish I had another! If I could go back in time and figure out where the fuck you went wrong, I would. I would give anything in this world for this pain in my heart to go away. I would love for one day where I can just look at myself in the mirror and not regret what looks back. I’m tired of waking up, wishing I hadn’t. Is that why I don’t have a song in my heart to sing? Even though I can sing real fucking good, you won’t allow me to have song to sing? Is it because my heart is filled with so much despair, so much pent up anger and fear that I wouldn’t even know what happy was if it slapped me?
There’s this person inside of me that wants to escape so badly. I think it’s the real Asilee, I don’t know. She’s ready to break-free, but there hasn’t been a chance for her to do so because of you. This Asilee wants to use the pretty singing voice no one knew she had. You’re a bitch for that, too; giving me a voice I can’t even use. She want to love hard and regret nothing. That’s not going to happen anytime soon.
You’re driving me to drink. All I want to do is get out of the car and drive myself. I want to drive myself to happier days.