I spoke to my mom via Facebook. She contacted me because her mom, my grandmother (from hell) called her up complaining about me. She was complaining to her that I should “put M. in my name”. See, we have the same name, but I have a middle initial. Most times I put my middle initial on everything that has to come to the house, to keep her from bitching about it. What they do and decide to put on the address lines when sending my mail is out of my control. The best I can do is tell them to make sure there’s an M. in there. Seeing as they don’t put a middle initial in the name, she opens my mail. So what? What’s the problem here? I’ll just read it when I get home. So what if she opens it. I honestly don’t see why she’s bitching about it.
My mom then tells me she’s complaining and angry at me about other things that she refused to discuss further because she preferred if I call her. Well that’s kind of hard with no job to keep my phone on. Both my fiancé and I are looking for work. Anyway, I’m not even at “home” (if you can call it that)! What the fuck could she be complaining about and so pissy about and I’m not even there?! I can’t wait till I go “home” to see what she was so upset about. She’s probably going to tell me “Where ever you’re going for days and days at a time, move in with them because I don’t need or want you here“. Then in the same breath she tells me she’s not senile. Then later, in a more exasperated breath, she calls me up to have small-talk after kicking me and my son out, telling me she’s lonely. This will be the last time I move in that nut-house with those two grown ass men who refuse to leave. I’ve left and came back due to hard times over 6 to 8 times and them fools are still there.
Okay, enough of the family I’m itching to get away from and never speak to again.
My mind won’t shut off. I don’t know how to let things go long enough to get sleep at night. All I do is toss and turn and end up getting up from the bed, wishing I had sleeping pills or some Z-Quil. My life is just…I don’t know – a fucking roller coaster of wtf’s and bullshit.
Then I have this one character that’s trying their damnedest to keep me from being happy by trying their hand at slander. He had to find out the hard way that it didn’t work and he showed more about himself than I ever could. I speak truth and my stories never change, while he, on the other hand can’t even keep up with his simple lies; lies he tell himself because in his mind, everyone is always wrong and he’s always right. I don’t think he realize that he’s not the only one out there like this.
Okay, enough of the guy I wish I never met.
I’m more pissed at myself than anything because I have to rely on how my depression (and its pills) will allow me to feel for that day. Most days, I’m down in the dumps and don’t know why. I hate that feeling and I wish I could make it go away. I feel like I’m bringing everyone around me down to where I am. I’m in my dark corner with a hood covering my face. I’m snappy, anxious, tired, sad, mad, frustrated all at once and that in itself frustrates me.
I don’t know what to do.