[Weight 3]

Me this past week. I finally decided to wear a dress.

You are responsible for who you become… Love yourself, Like your speed; Leave your scars; Live your skills!”
― Israelmore Ayivor

Well, it’s June and I’ve made more progress. I’m down to 181lbs. That may not seem like a lot of weight loss, but it feels like a lot to me.

Even with all the issues I’ve been having to deal with, I’m still keeping the promise I made to myself to stay active. It’s getting easier and easier. I feel tighter. I mentioned last time that I had difficulty chasing after my kids, that’s no longer the case. I feel lighter, faster. I still have a lot more weight to lose but I’m doing it. I’m staying consistent and that’s been difficult.

I’m biking with my kids, running with them. I even created a game we play at the playground called Dodge Tag. It’s dodge ball but with tag elements added to it. That gets me moving and sweating. I’m trying to make this as fun as possible but I’m so proud of myself.

There have been some days where I don’t want to get up and do anything. So, on those days I get up and do chores at least. I’ll vigorously scrub the shower and mop the floors – do a lot of reaching and grabbing. I’m trying to add weight training into my routine but I’m finding it difficult for some reason. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

So, what am I eating? I’m eating a lot more protein. I’ve even implemented protein shakes into my eating regiment. It was so easy for me to cut back on the sugar and salt. I didn’t realize how easy it would be to let that stuff go. Fast food makes me gag and I can’t eat fried foods anymore, I got rid of my grill as I’m not eating that stuff anymore either. I’m eating more fruits – not so much bananas – but ones with a lot of vitamins and fiber. I recently found out that I like quinoa and acai. Cauliflower [rice] and artichokes are becoming a fan favorite of mine as well. I’m having so much fun with this. Trying new foods, watching how much I eat. Keeping to my eating schedule and making sure I chase my kids around. No white rice, brown rice. I cut back on my potatoes; I’m eating more eggs. I had to cut back on my cottage cheese because of the dairy. And when I did that my abdomen cramps went away completely, no sharp pains, no constant running to the bathroom and my bowel movements have become regular.

I did a full blood panel and of course I’m still vitamin D deficient but I’m taking D3 for that. I wish I can work on my sleeping, though. There are days where that’s the reason why I don’t want to get up because I’m still tired. I’m going to bed on time most nights. It’s either at 8:00pm or at 9:00pm. It depends on when the kids go to bed. Seeing as they’re home for the summer they’re going to bed later in the day. On Fridays we stay up for movie night but other than that I like keeping everyone on a consistent schedule. It’s working out for us.

I want to find more recipes to keep it fresh and new. I don’t want to get bored with the things I’m eating. I’m having so much fun though. I got stuck in the I like this so I’m going to eat it forever until it’s no longer mouth stimulating. The texture journey has been an interesting one to say the least. There were things that tasted great, but I didn’t like how it felt in my mouth. Made me sad.

I haven’t weighed myself in a month, so I don’t know if I lost or gained weight which is normal, but I feel great and just typing about it is making me smile. I’m so glad I’m sticking to this.

If I didn’t have to deal with baby daddy drama, and only have to buy clothes that fit, my life would be smooth sailing. But without trials and tribulations, life would be monotonous, stagnant. There would be no room for growth.

[Weight 2]

One of these days, something is going to scare me into getting up out of my seat and do something about this shit. – Me

Well, that day finally came, and it didn’t take long. It took a few episodes of ‘My 600lb Life’ to get me off my behind. I can’t imagine not being able to wash myself without help. I’m not anywhere close to how much they weigh but I like doing things myself and I refuse to make my kids be the burden of my own choices. That’s irresponsible AF.

I went to see a gastroenterologist. Apparently, at one point I was 280lbs. I forgot about that dark time in my life. I was extremely depressed, stuck in a dead-end relationship and wanted out. I ate to hide how I was really feeling. I buried myself in food to swallow what I really wanted to say to my [fiancé] at the time. That wasn’t healthy of course, but over time the weight fell off it seems because when they took my initial weight, I was 236lbs then down to 210lbs.

It’s been a little bit over a month since I went to see the gastroenterologist. I made an appointment to see a nutritionist and she gave me a lot of recipes and exercises I could do. I’ve been doing them. I’m under 193lbs now.

I’ve been walking more, eating better, thinking better. I’ve completely cut out fast food (I wasn’t eating that much of it before) and soda. I still can’t chase after my kids and keep up just yet but if I keep going, I’ll be able to catch up to them. I guess it would help when I’m playing tag with them, I’m not on grass.

So far, I’m enjoying my journey. What I was not expecting was sweets being disgusting. I tried drinking one of my kid’s Capri Sun’s and it was so sweet. My kids then offered me a Reese’s Cup the other day and I couldn’t eat it. I can’t look at fried food without gagging. I can only eat one proportionate sized meal a day and I cut that in half. I’m still snacking a great deal and I’m trying to cut back on that. I can taste the chemicals, (everything is a chemical of course) the processed ones in certain foods and drinks and that turns me off from those. There’s a lot of protein in my diet, because apparently that’s important. I learned a lot from my last couple of appointments that’s for sure.

My main issue I’m having with this journey is the new textures, smells and routine. I’ve made it where I eat every day around the same time. Take my medicine the same time every day. I don’t eat at night either. I need to work on my sleeping habits but I’m not watching television no more to sleep. It’s dark in my room, for the most part. I have to work on turning my brain off.

Next week, I’m off to the dentist. They’re going to get my smile together. I’m slowly but surely working on myself and trying to reverse everything depression and being in a shitty relationship did to me. I should have never let myself go like that; especially for someone I lowered my standards for. [Love]’s a bitch.

Now if I can just work on my diastasis recti so I can stop looking 7 months pregnant…

I’ve since had an update: [Weight 3]

[Weight]

I want to laugh but if I laugh it’ll just turn into uncontrollable sobbing. I refuse to shed another tear. I’ve been in and out of the hospital most of my life. I wanted to say for the better part of 2 years but that’s not accurate. Doctors was talking to me about my probability of certain illnesses since I was 15, but alas.

I’m trying to lose weight but it’s not going anywhere. My nutritionist told me to expect this. I fasted. I starved myself. I walked. I ran. I exercised. I almost prayed but I’m not that desperate. I’ve researched. I’ve cried. I’ve gotten frustrated with myself. I’ve gone into denial and back out of it.

Nothing.

I’m sitting here thinking of my journey and I chuckled. When I was much younger, I thought I was fat. My family decided that on top of PTSD, I needed to have issues with my body as well. I thought that tiny, insignificant ass little pudge made me “fat”. If me right now could go back and stand in front of me of the past I’d laugh. I’d run so far away from the actual fat me that I wouldn’t have met my now ex-husband and my ex-fiancé.

I would probably still be skinny.

The baby weight fell off of me when I had my middle child but with my youngest, my weight is hanging around like a bad habit. Then again, I wasn’t driving or staying home as much. I also was walking and moving more.

I hate to admit it, but I’ve gone back to the stationary life that had me sitting in a nutritionist offi – I take that back, that’s not the only reason. I was incredibly physically sick at one point, and I almost jumped off a freeway overpass one weekend I didn’t have the kids.

shh..

Anyway, I’m better now and I’m no longer attempting to take my life at opportune times. That was a long time ago and I thought my diagnosis – that I’m not mentioning here – was a death sentence. That was my mind’s irrational overthinking taking over rational, logical thought, as usual.

I’m frustrated with my weight. I’m also at a loss because I know I only have so many years left before this is just how I’m going to look until that old people spread take over. Then again, I’m 35 and it’s too late. Well, in my mind it’s too late because it takes nothing to sit here and stay out the fucking way.

I want to justify my stationary life, but I also want to get up and do a few jumping jacks. I used to run track. I never thought my ass would go from a 135 to 210. I would laugh if someone said that shit to me. My weight is pissing me off but not enough to get up and actually do anything.

One of these days, something is going to scare me into getting up out of my seat and do something about this shit.

Today is not that day.

Here’s an update [Weight 2]